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Sometimes our kids misbehave. And sometimes they do it in public! They kick, they scream, they act disrespectful, they cry, they throw a tantrum. With our four, this has happened quite a few times over the past 9 years. And since it happens in public, it’s embarrassing, frustrating and can ruin the moment. For a lot of parents, it can be overwhelming.  In the moment, it can also be very hard to know what to do.

We’ve made our mistakes and been overwhelmed just like anyone else. But here’s what we’ve found to be effective.

1. Prepare in advance. That is, take time to talk with your child before you get there. Communicate what you expect in advance. Before you even get out of the car, remind them of where you are going and what you expect. Setting expectations is a vital part of navigating these situations.

2. Engage misbehavior. One mistake that parents often make is to let bad behavior go unchecked. Granted, it’s stressful and overwhelming, but this is the wrong approach. We must remember that we are shaping their character and letting stuff like this go unchecked only sets our kids up for major difficulties later in life. If our kids are misbehaving, we must engage it!

3. Keep your word. How often do we hear parents say, or maybe say ourselves, “If you do that one more time I will…”, and then watch the child do it again and the parent do nothing. No! If you say you are going to do something, do it. Inconsistency between word and deed breeds problems, both now and later. Your word must mean something!

4. Pull them aside. When you do engage your child, it’s probably wise to pull them aside while doing it. You must engage the bad behavior, but you don’t want to humiliate them. Pulling them aside helps to avoid this. But, it also communicates the seriousness of the situation, gets their attention, and reminds them that you are the one in control.

5. Don’t bribe. Rewarding a child for behaving well is one thing. Bribing them is another. When your children do well, praise them for it and let them know you are proud of them. But don’t expect bribes to work on poor behavior. (“If you stop crying, I will buy you candy.”) Bribing them communicates that they are in control.

6. Be calm, but firm. Most of all, keep calm but firm in the midst of the situation. Losing your cool only makes the situation worse.

Hang in there, parents! Your kids are worth it!

“What kind of men will they be?” These were the words that went through my mind the first time I held both of my two sons for the first time. I would later hold my two daughters and wonder the the same thing.

I remember it so distinctly. Our second set of twins had just been born, and Grandma and Grandpa had brought the first set of twins to the hospital to meet their new sister and brother. I sat there with my newborn son in my arms when my 2-year old son ran into the room and jumped up onto my lap too. In an instant, I could envision them growing up by my side. I could see them learning to walk, to read, us playing baseball, riding bikes, them getting girlfriends and going to the prom, them going to college, and them getting married one day. Each thought filled me with joy! But I could also envision one other moment. It’s the moment they stand there together without me when I am gone. I was struck by that thought. Not necessarily because it made me sad. I was struck by how the thought of that moment crystallized the responsibility that sat in my lap that day. As I thought about that moment, a simple question flooded my mind. “What kind of men will they be on that day?”

The question consumed me then. It consumes me now. What kind of men and women will my children be when every opportunity I have to shape them has been spent? Will they love God and love people? Will they be strong? Will they be marked by wisdom? Will they be good husbands and wives? What kind of parents will they make? Will they be ready to lead when I am gone?

These are the things I wonder. I can’t know the answers to these questions. But I can let these questions remind me of the responsibility I have as a father, and begin answering other important questions that will help me be a more faithful father. Here are a few questions that we can answer.

1. What kind of men and women do you hope your children will become? We might not know what they will do or what they will be, but you can know what you would hope for them. Once this is clear, we begin asking the next questions.

2. What are you doing now to influence this? We need to be intentional about the things we do in our home that positively impact our children. If we hope to shape them, we must invest in them. What does that look like in your home? If something is missing, be intentional about fixing this.

3. What are you doing now to hinder this? If we’re honest, we’d have to admit that there are some patterns, habits, or deficiencies in our homes that are hindering our kids. I know there are in my home and in my leadership. But we can’t just leave it there. Once we see the problem, we have to resolve it. Otherwise, our best efforts to shape our kids will be thwarted.

4. Does your example point them in the right direction? I have such high hopes for my kids. I want them to be godly, wise, loving, gracious, and much more. But if that’s what I hope for them, then we have to show them what that looks like. The importance of the example we set as parents cannot be overstated.

5. How often do you pray for them and with them? I fail in this regularly. I don’t mean to forget, but I do. Our kids need us to pray for them and with them regularly.

There are other important questions worth asking, but these get to the heart of how we shepherd our children. I invite you to wonder with me, “What kind of men and women will they be?”, and then think about what we can do to help lead them there

I love having little girls! But as any parent knows well, they are very different from little boys. And, I must admit, because I was a little boy, I get boys. I understand them. I know how they think and what they want. I once thought like they did, and frankly, I sometimes still do. Because of that, early in our kids’ lives I found it easier to engage the boys.

My little girls are beautiful, creative, sweet, caring and sometimes silly. They like to dance and sing. They want to read books and play dress up. They draw pictures, pick flowers, dream of being a princess, and think about their wedding day. I had to adjust to all this. But, they have my heart so it’s been a happy adjustment!

They need me to be as interested in what they love as I am interested in what the boys love. But this simply scratches the surface of what they need from me. They need deeper things, bigger things, and life giving things. Here are some things my little girls need from their daddy.

1. To know that they are beautiful, valued, and loved. It’s certainly true that all kids need this, but this is something fathers should be especially mindful of with their little girls. Our culture, and many cultures throughout the world, diminish the dignity and worth of women. Woman have been marginalized, ignored, mistreated, and now in the wake of the sexual chaos of our world, they are treated like objects which gratify the cravings of perversity and shame. Fathers must be intentional to build their little girls up. Dads, your little girl needs to know that you love her, that she has value, and that she is beautiful. No one on earth can make them believe that more than you can. No one can positively shape and impact them more than you can. No one!

2. To see how a man treats a woman. Little girls often see the improper ways men treat women, and come to think that it is OK to be mistreated or disrespected. Our little girls need to see a model for how men are supposed to treat women. They need to see us doing things like opening doors for our wives and bringing flowers home for them. They need to see men paying attention to women in the right ways so they will form the right expectations for their own lives.

3. To learn what wholesome affection looks like. I’m no psychologist, but I have to think that snuggles, hugs, kisses on the cheek and affection from daddy are good things. Our little girls need this from us because it allows them to learn about affection in a wholesome and safe environment. If they don’t get that from us, they will look for it in the arms of a boy that’s consumed by his hormones. No thanks. I’d much prefer them to find affection in our home where they are loved and where we have their best interest at heart.

4. Affirmation of their talents and ability to contribute. In a world that tends to marginalize them, our little girls need us to affirm their talents, gifts, abilities, and intellects. They need our support in finding their place in the world and how they will contribute to it. They need to know that God has made them so special and has great plans for them.

5. To see their daddy’s love for Jesus. Finally, they need to see us love Jesus. Too often the dad is the least spiritual person in the home. It is too common that dad is absent spiritually and there are others who point them to Jesus and shepherd their souls. Brothers, may this not be true of us. May we model faithfulness and affection for Christ in what we do before their watching eyes.

I’m certainly not perfect at any of these things. And, as I’ve said, being a dad to little girls didn’t come as natural as being a dad to little boys. But boy is it worth it! My little girls need me, and your little girls need you. Let’s be faithful to them!

How comfortable are you taking your kids to the hard places? By hard places, I mean those places where poverty and brokenness are rampant, the places where pain and suffering abound. Perhaps it’s a particular part of town, a soup kitchen, a homeless shelter, the food pantry, a hospital, your local nursing home, or even a mission trip to a difficult part of the world. Truth be told, it’s probably not our first instinct to take them there or to do anything that might put them in harm’s way.

I’m not suggesting that we need to throw caution to the wind and be reckless with our kids. But I am suggesting that there is value in exposing them to the brokenness of the world and letting them get a real look at what it’s like for those who are oppressed or suffering. Their age and maturity will probably dictate a lot about the situations you expose them to. A small child and a teenager can handle different things. But I suspect that our kids can handle, and need to handle, a bit more than we might think. Of course, you want to be careful to do everything you can to protect them. But, there is much value in helping them see the more difficult and hard places of the world. Let me mention just a few reasons why this is helpful for our kids.

1. It helps them to see the difference between good and evil. We have to remember that “we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities and against powers” (Eph. 6:12). As Paul reminds, the battle of this world is spiritual in nature. Nothing makes this clearer than the hardest places of this world. Taking our kids there helps them to see it for themselves.

2. It teaches them gratitude and thankfulness. It is very hard for any person, including kids, to think about their next material possession when they look poverty in the face. Letting children see the difficult and broken things of this world gives them a better sense of gratitude about their own life. It pushes them away from selfishness and often makes them grateful.

3. It nurtures their concern for other people. Sure children can be selfish, but when exposed to brokenness and poverty, they often respond by thinking about what they can do to help. Seeing poverty and brokenness has the ability to transform the most selfish child into a selfless child. And since this is such a formative time, the long term impact of this is huge.

4. It causes them to think about the impact of their own lives. Seeing poverty and brokenness causes children to begin thinking about how their own lives might be used to make a difference in such a world. They begin to think about what they want to do when they grow up and how that could be used to help those who suffer.

5. It increases the likelihood of them praying. So many of the cases of poverty and brokenness are gripping. In many cases, we see the problems and are overwhelmed by them, so much so that we know of nothing else to do other than pray. This might not feel like much at the time, but we must remember that this is a vital part of God using us to make a difference. If this is true for us, wouldn’t it also be true for our children? Letting them see the broken world creates the same burdens in their hearts and gives them a true sense of dependence on God. That’s a pretty good thing!

6. It follows the example of Christ. Most importantly, by taking them to the hard places, we follow the example of Jesus. I’m struck by something that I didn’t see in the Bible during my first years of being a Christian. As I read back through the gospels again and again, I’m struck by how clear it is that Jesus’ eye is so consistently set on the poor, the outcast, the marginalized, and the sick. He loved them. He cared for them. He helped them. He was burdened for them. I can’t honestly say I’m following Him if the same is not true of me. And, I certainly can’t think that I’m discipling my kids if I’m not doing the same.

As we pray for opportunities to show our kids the hard places, may we all be stretched to see the world the way Christ sees it. And then, let’s learn to respond to it the way He did too!